re: much worse
Someone might have a really good friend out there. I hope you two connected and that is why the OP deleted her (?) post. If it weren't for the fact that I don't think my ex/lost friend ever listens to Coldplay (I had to the song myself), I was thinking it was for me. After thinking about how she had introduced me to music that has really impacted my love for music ( Byrd and Anais Mitchell), I actually started writing the first lyrics I have penned in over 2 years. Less than 2 hours later I see that post and the tears started flowing immediately. Once I realized it was likely meant for someone else, I found myself happy that someone out there is still loved so much, yet, wondered why it hot me so hard. After arriving home (a hotel room) from work, I read the post again and allowed myself to release what I had to stifle at work. I realize that 9 months later I am still a complete mess. I still can't reconcile the person I was dating with the person she was in the end. I would have a real hard time believing I wasn't being setup to be harmed if I received a message that she still loved me and thought that we should meet up some time soon. On the other hand, only days ago I was able to admit to myself that I loved and missed her and her son. This is what it feels like to love someone and fear them. I feel so divided. It me that I will never see her again. It hurts as badly as it did 9 months ago. And letting myself imagine actually seeing her is severely tainted with distrust and the fear of being attacked in any number of ways. In 9 months I haven't even been able to reflect on the good experiences that were had. All I can do is try to block all the memories and feelings out. Not that its working. I just have absolutely no idea as to how to process it. Nothing is more pathetic than trying to fuck away the heartache. Though, it actually feels good to make sex less special. I'm actuallyy surprised that I'm able to attempt to do so. The connection she and I had seems like a huge betrayal by my own instincts. While that is the only things that still has any kind of positive feeling upon reflection, I've given up on trying to make sense of any of it at this point.
Donte
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